wow.  absolutely no one reads my weblog.  i have been so sick with the flu....haven't been this sick since I had the flu with heather and her kids....always the memories...always.  I can't imagine being with any other grandkids, the way I was with heb and her kids.  I was with them, cared for them, provided for them, etc for weeks, sometimes months at a time. that time has gone forever....for those kids and any other grandkids.

i am fasting from now until mother's day.  I want to stop the abuse from my sister, both physical, emotional, mental, etc, AND I want to see my grandkids..PUSH...pray until something happens.  don't know what else to do.  those kids are a part of me.

when i think about the abuse heb went through with 2 different men, I understand why she did what she did.  it is hard to take day after day. noone should have to live with abuse.  I wish it were against the law...

i'm still here

the holidays are here again.  I still get really anxious on the inside when I hear the cold winds swirl around the house...reminds me of THE night.  it is not any easier this year..in fact, I think it is worse. 

but somehow, I still have this feeling that my daughter is just going to show up for the holidays...I can't explain it.  [she died last year and was found on valentine's day.] maybe her kids will come...her ex will have a change of heart,  be a good parent,  and decide to let my daughter's children have the same emotional support and familial support that their friends enjoy.

 I already have all the christmas decorations up and the wreaths I get for most every room.  I would have the tree up, cept we are getting new carpet in and I can't.  I have been painting like crazy, and cleaning like crazy....making the house ready for her, even though I know, at some level, she will never come.

thought I could sell some of her christmas decorations on ebay, but I can't.  christmas meanst so much to her....I have no place to put her decorations, mind you, but I can't get rid of them yet. 

she never saw this house...never was inside it. wonder if she would have liked it?  wonder where she would have slept....I know she would have loved the kids' room......perhaps another room that her children will never see.  She usually slept with me...she didn't like sleeping alone.  

a few weeks after she died, I had a  let down reflex....like you have when you are nursing.  was no milk of course, but my whole being ached for her in a way only a mother could ache.  I understand the death rate for grieving mothers is 40 to 50 percent higher.  each day I wake up and I am still alve, I can honestly not believe it.\

her birthday is dec 28.  she will be 29.  as much as I miss her, I am so glad she is not hurting anymore.  I do hate the fact her kids no longer have a mom. there was a spotlight on a football player, about how he lost his dad, and I wondered if that would be my grandson someday, whom I may never see until he is 18. 

I am saving all of the special gifts I bought for them...the clothing, books that I wrote a message in, toys that we were never allowed to give them, etc.  I am trying to journal all about their mom, their childhood events, the things the liked to do when they were little , etc.  I want her kids to know how very special she was, cause I know they will not hear it from their dad. [they are not allowed to talk about my daughter...]

I have never questioned  God....not once.  I just think He over estimates me or something.  my daughter had told me quite a few times, that the ex was going to court one day to get us out of the kids' lives.  so I have her death and the loss of the children.  then I lost my mom...her mind that is...the day my daughter died.  she again got worse when my sister abused me and my mom.  I am still dealing with all of the abuse issues...going to the doctor.

I guess I see my sister act so hateful and angry all of the time, and it is such a hard and painful reminder of how my daughter could act, when she was very ill. I tell myself not to think a bout all the things my sister is doing to me and my family, but why now???  why before the holidays?  my sister knows what I am going through, but she doesn't care.  it is hard to help run a household that you don't live in, so it is very hard to keep her abusive behavior out of their home.....and then there is that horrible reminder...the behavior.

my mom used to tell me that....just don't think about what ever keeps troubling you.  my sister's behavior is eating away at me, and I do believe the main reason is that it reminds of the worst, of my daughter.  I don't like to think about that part of her...no point.  But now that I am running in to almost the exact same behavior...it just seems too much. 

 I just wish my sister would get her heart right or go away, cause it is just too muc h....not now.....not now.  we had something fun planned today as a family...hubby was working, and we were all going out for breakfast, then going to the chrsitmas tree festival at the museum, where my dad was playing in a senior's citizen's band (he's 82).  my sister told me I was not invited in a harsh and rude manner...mom didn't know what to do...I was trying not to cry as I can't believe she does this to my parents..but I just left.

she will do this to my parents no more.  it's not as if she takes my mom out....she has my mom pay.  my mom doersn't want to go with her...she feels like she has been paying for her meals for years, and my sister still treats her and others badly, does what she wants to do, etc.but with alzehiemers, mom gets flustered and with my sister's dominant abusive behavior, mom goes with her. 

no more...and of course I have to deal with this before the holidays...of course.

of course I have to be reminded of my duaghter's illness.......and in=my=face as well...as she could do. why now?  why can't I just enjoy the memories, the aniticpation of my other daughter and grandchildren coming, enjoy each christmas memory, as if my daughter really were coming home for christmas? 

everyone says I have been through the worse.....but for some reason, my sister's abuse is haunting me.  I have cried more over this situation than over my daughter's death....to watch and listen to your mom sob for minutes on minutes while your sister just contines that verbal assault....to have your own sister physically abuse you in front o your parents.....why can't i get over this?

I just want to enjoy the holidays...I want to cherish each memory.  I want to touch each christmas decoration and think a bout the love and thought that went in to it's purchase.  I want my house to be ready in case my grandchildren would be arriving....and if my daughter were coming back....like from a long trip.....I want to concentrate on .the good things about this holiday...my family....my grandchildren.  why do I have to have a sister that just won't quit...that insists on being a bung hole?  why me?

the christmas before she died, we had just been to california.  we had such a great time.  I have quite a few christmas ornaments as mementos of the trip.....the wedding and reception...beautiful wedding...great time with my brother and husband.....wonderful time...all was well with my world....then everything went to hades in a hand basket.....